17 – Strategies For Conflict Resolution
As I cannot presume that you have had training in various conflict resolving strategies, which does come in handy at times, here are a few ideas to help you out should you get stuck in your dealings with your inner crew.
17/1 - Negotiation Skills - Talking With Your Selves
If you have two or more representations who are in conflict with each other, you will have to negotiate some form of peaceful settlement. If both can talk, you might like to use the following model and find out as the first priority what the end result of their actions and intentions might be. What is it that they are after?
So, a part that keeps nagging and nagging and nagging, might well do so because they wish you to become a better person and to be happy. The conflicting part, who hates being nagged at, might want peace and tranquillity, so they can become a better person and be happy.
Once a common aim has been established, all you need to do is to get them to acknowledge that their aim is in fact very similar if not exactly the same, and usually an agreement can then be reached. In the example above, once the peace part finds out that the nagging part doesn't hate them at all but just wants them to be happy, they can get to talk about how the nagging part can find a better way to pass on their insights, and the peace part can find a better way to listen and take action when necessary.
Going "behind" or "beyond" the actual behaviour in order to establish the behaviour's purpose is a great way to resolve conflicts, because there's always more than one way to skin a cat. Here is an example to get a single part to change it's ways; this is from the excellent Core Transformation process by Connirae Andreas.
To discover the intention behind the behaviour, first the part is allowed, perhaps for the first time, to imagine that they could have or be whatever they want, fully and completely.
Then, this question is asked, "What would that give you?" which means, "Why bother with the behaviour at all? What's the point?"
As you keep uncovering layer after layer of intentions behind behaviours, eventually you reach a "core" - the real, deep and underlying reason for the behaviour. This core reason can then be discussed and alternative, easier and/or different routes to the core may become obvious in the process.
For example, I saw a young lady who had an internal representation of a warrior woman, an angry Amazon, who would "take over and wreck all my important relationships". This warrior woman part stated that she was proud to be aggressive, served an important purpose and would not think of changing in the slightest.
Following a technique from the Core Transformation process, I asked, "If you could just imagine what it would be like to be completely and totally aggressive, what would that give you?" The rather unpleasant answer to that was, "I would have killed everyone and be the only person left alive". With a slight shudder, I went on.
"So, imagine you had killed everyone. Allow yourself to experience it fully and completely now. What would that give you?" Answer: "Feeling secure."
Ok. "So, if you had this feeling of security fully and completely now, what would that give you?"
"The ability to have an intimate relationship, to be able to love."
"Oh great. Let's just back up here a minute and look at this - so, in order to be able to love someone, you need to kill everyone first?" at which point, as happens so often in these kinds of conversations, the warrior woman part in question begun to scratch her head, and started to look very sheepish indeed.
This part had never thought any further than security; and, by opening up the reasons behind the behaviour, understood finally that what it was trying to achieve was in direct conflict with the means by which they were trying to achieve it.
In many cases, this is all that's required - it's a breakthrough moment, and from then on, negotiations can proceed and normal conversations can be had.
Often, problem parts are a bit stuck in that they haven't got much flexibility of behaviour and not much in the way of choices of different behaviours that might serve the ultimate goal.
Therefore, a great problem resolution strategy is to find out how to go about ...
17/2 - Generating Possibilities
Two options don't constitute a choice - that's a dilemma. A choice is when there's more than two different options to choose from. Another point about choice, as BF Skinner points out, is that choices are only really choices when the outcomes are similar and the amount of pain and gain involved in each is similar as well. For example, giving you a choice between a strawberry sundae, a beating with a large stick, and a chalice of "hemlock on the rocks" isn't really much of a choice, is it!
Before we choose anything, however, we first should go ahead and generate alternatives and possibilities.
So, the warrior woman needs to feel secure in order to be able to go ahead and love. In the past, her only option had been to be extremely aggressive. What other ways could one go about to secure this security?
By being strong, by being careful, by learning from mistakes, by accepting that the only thing you can ever be sure about is that you can't be sure about anything, - well, we haven't got all day, but certainly there's alternatives to being aggressive.
The thing is when you're generating alternatives is to not to censor them in advance. Get all the possibilities you can think of. If that's not enough, get half a dozen advisors in and get them to tell you their possibilities as well. Then, go ahead and look at each one, no matter how outlandish, and objectively assess them for what's good, what's bad and what's interesting about each one.
There's no way you won't end up with a great long list of more or less possible options if you approach it that way. But there is another strategy I would like to point out while we're here.
17/3 - Having Your Cake AND Eating It
The world is not black and white. I used to think it was. I used to think that you could divide the natural world with it's incredibly complex patterns of interaction - including human beings - in such a way. Oh, what a fool I have been!
The big, bad, exclusive OR is to blame for this.
You can either have fun OR get married.
You can either have a good time OR you can be healthy.
You can either be stupid OR intelligent.
That's not the way the world works.
Firstly, whenever there is what seems to be polar opposites, such as black and white, it isn't so easy to remember that there are quadrillions of shades in between. My computer can generate 32 million colours and is still not getting anywhere near the graduation that exists in an every day sunset as perceived through my limited eyes. Further, many enlightened folk have argued that such polar opposites are not stuck at the end of a stick, one on each side, but that they're in fact form part of an invisible circle, transmuting into each other - such as in the Ying/Yang symbol, for example.
When exactly is the very moment that day turns into night? When the sun is below the horizon? When the very last bits of pink have faded into purple? When you see the first star? And more, when you take the transition of time into account, simple "black vs. white" distinctions become even more nonsensical - the sky is black now and it's going to be blue a bit later on. Now there's a mountain, and in a couple of million years, there'll be a lake. Today, I'm nice to you and tomorrow, I might have the flu and bite your head off - am I naughty, or am I nice?
If you take down these nonsensical divisions that only exist in our own minds by virtue of faulty training in childhood, you can begin to generate endless possibilities and permutations of behaviour (amongst other things). So, our warrior woman does not have to choose at all between being EITHER aggressive, OR secure, OR safety conscious, OR strong, OR open-minded - she can become whatever she wants to be by being able to have ALL of them together, each one becoming a useful resource in their right place, ready to choose from according to what is going to be the most useful in the context of what's happening around her.
Assertiveness Training has a lot to answer for, in my opinion. Only three choices were presented - aggressive, assertive, and submissive (or non-assertive, if you will); and two of the so-called choices were loaded to the hilt with negative baggage, so that the so called "assertive" behaviour was all that was left to "choose from".
A fully functioning human being, out there in the real world, needs to be able to have all three and at least another two dozen other styles of behaviour beside - and then use each one according to the situation they find themselves in for their maximum benefit. I've personally saved my hide a good few times by weaselling for all I was worth; and have saved yet it again under different circumstances by picking up the power and making unilateral, hard, aggressive decisions. But I suppose, that'll be difficult to teach in a one day workshop - or would it?
Lastly, one final tip on resolving conflicts. What's more important - your relationship, or that you're right?
I know we can all get terribly entrenched and pig headed at times, and a little give and take can simply work miracles. I remember one lady who had deadlocked herself with an internal guardian by being too righteous and opinionated - they'd just come to complete stalemate and were a point at which the guardian wouldn't even talk to her anymore. I suggested to her to ask the guardian if she'd like a gift. "What's that got to do with anything?" the lady demanded angrily, but then grudgingly went ahead and asked. To her amazement, the guardian expressed joy at this offer and said she'd love a nice piece of antique jewellery (!). This resolved the stalemate; they got to talking on a very different level and finally came to a mutually satisfactory conclusion.
So, if you want to resolve conflict amongst your crew, let me back up here on the basic tools which will help you get started.
- Finding the reason behind the behaviour;
- Generating choices including the original behaviour;
- Replacing any exclusive "OR"s with "AND"s and watching the Universe expand instantly!
- Finding the circle that links what appeared to be polar opposites.
- Acknowledging the inherent value of any kind of human behaviour in the right context.
- Valuing the relationship above your personal opinions.
17/4 - The Harmony Programme
In all your dealings with the parts of your self, you will encounter a particular set of problems that could be classed as "attention seeking behaviour".
Attention seeking behaviour by your body, for example, could be recurrent headaches or pains and illnesses in general - the more severe the symptoms, the more desperate the attempt at diverting your attention to an issue of some kind.
Attention seeking behaviour by your unconscious mind usually manifests in the form of nightmares - once again, the more horrendous and disturbing the nightmare, the more desperate the attempt to gain your attention.
Bad luck in your life, disasters of all kinds and especially repeating themes in any kind of situation or relationship that seem to escalate, also fall under that category - these and all the ones before are not sent to make our lives a misery, but to try and tell us something.
The golden rule is - the more irritating and debilitating the occurrence, the more important it is to deal with it as soon as possible.
As you open up your lines of communication within yourself, you will experience such attention seeking behaviour in all imaginable shapes and forms arriving in your sanctuary - we've already talked about many, many examples of things that turn up unexpectedly, plans that go wrong unexpectedly, and even demonic selves manifesting right out of the blue.
There's one thing you need to really understand about attention seeking behaviour, and that is that when it gets to a point where it really hurts you, it means that you've ignored a whole range of much more subtle warning signs that went before, and now you're paying the price for your negligence.
Attention seeking behaviour is always at work when there's an escalation in the severity of symptoms or repercussions. A dog bite, for example, never happens "right out of the blue". There are always warning signs beforehand - a look, a body posture, a growl, a bark, what have you. The reason that so many people get bitten is because
- they're overconfident (they simply don't believe that such a sweet little Poochie Pooh really has 46 razor sharp teeth);
- they don't know enough about how a dog communicates to detect the earlier warning signs;
- and, even if they do know, that they don't pay enough attention to what's blatantly in front of them in the first place because they're attention is elsewhere.
Our whole system of medical care is built upon ignoring, hiding, confounding and pasting over the subtle early warning systems of our bodies - with the result, that in spite of our vastly superior diet, hygiene and living conditions, we have far more disease than a starving African village community, and the only reason we live as long as we do is because we throw all our resources at the problems when it's already in the end stages.
Whether this kind of "spoiling the ship for a penny's worth of tar" is physical in nature -
- ignoring subtle hints such as tiredness, lack of sex drive, frequent headaches, not rested after sleep for the sake of the oh so much more important A-levels, job or family "commitments", then taking a bunch of 'over the counter pills' to keep functioning, and then finally crashing down with ME or whatever was decided to manifest for months on end anyway -
- or whether it is psychological ...
- being unhappy often, then depressed, sleepless, finding it hard to concentrate, having temper tantrums, ignoring these and many other sign posts completely and pretending "everything's ok" until the nervous breakdown, the panic attacks or the schizophrenic episodes occur,
... it's really time we sat down and started to learn to see the unfolding patterns developing from our past experience, and re-connect at a much more profound level with all the bits of us that we have been taught are worth nothing and ought to be ignored.
Gina had been coming to see me for a while and was very involved in advanced sanctuary issues. At one point, an inner concern "took over" and apparently made it quite hard for her to function in her every day life. She still managed to go to work, do all the housework for her family, tuck in the children at night and all the rest of it, but she felt a bit worried that she had a rising desire to be on her own and get to grips with the issues she was wrestling with. This lasted for about a week, until the conflict was resolved and she returned with added energy and full attention to her real life activities.
"I don't know," she said, "I mean what would happen if I got so involved that I couldn't cook the dinner that night? Do you think I should stop and just be happy with all I've gained so far?"
Upon hearing this, I was quite blown away for quite a while, for I realised that I had thought and done similarly in the past. Now here was a definite piece of mental racism and prejudice at work. It seems it's ok for us to spend 72 years grafting away and directing all our energies into the external world, but it wasn't ok for Gina to take time out and take a walk in order to settle a highly advanced philosophical debate in her mind - after all, cooking dinner is far more important, isn't it? And further, such behaviour could soon lead to being carried off into a lunatic asylum, couldn't it?
I asked Gina (truly really for the both of us): "When real life emergencies take over, it's automatic and instant to stop inner wanderings and to focus on the situation at hand, until such time as it has been resolved. Why can't it be the same with inner emergencies? Are they not also important? Can't they have at least a tiny proportion of our time and energy as a right - and without having to feel guilty about it?"
I have always known how utterly slanted the way we conduct our First World civilisation business is towards a non-integrated, non-realistic idea of the world as being some kind of clockwork mechanism. But I must say that I was still shocked beyond belief to discover how deeply prejudiced we all still are when it comes to bringing the forgotten parts of the self back on line.
In the overall scheme of things, is it really more important to have cooked yet another meal than to have come to a personal breakthrough regarding the subject of "the value of human suffering"? I'm beginning to think it's the latter, and I'm also beginning to think that once Gina doesn't feel the need to see anyone suffer anymore, the qualities of her dinners might well improve henceforth as well!
The point is this. Gina's pre-occupation with the subject and it's manifestations was classic attention seeking behaviour - here was something that cried out for resolution, begged her for her attention. Thank god she had enough sense to heed the call at this point, before it got any worse, and before it decided to cause a system wide failure.
A long time ago, people used to think that it was good to let babies cry for hours on end rather than to respond to their needs there and then. It was thought that if you rushed and helped them out of their misery right away, they'd grow up to be weak and demanding.
Nowadays, thank the lord, it has finally been understood that if you feed a baby when it expresses a need, all that'll happen is that the baby will stop crying, it's immune system will be less stressed (as will the mother's, by the way), and the baby, rather than growing up being needy, grows up to be self sufficient, because it had it's needs met fully and completely and so never needed to developed a complex about the whole subject in the first place.
This kind of negative thinking has waned on the baby front, but is still in evidence all around us in other ways, and turning it on it's head and instead of refusing to give, to give freely until there is no more need, is a concept so basic, so simple and so profound that it could solve a great deal of problems if only it was understood that extra attention doesn't spoil, but helps to strengthen and to grow.
Attention seeking behaviours from your mind, your body, your imaginary companions or those in your real life are nothing more and nothing less than an indication of a real, existing, urgent need. The more bugging the behaviours, the more intense the need.
Which leads us to the simple concept that "a stitch in time, saves nine". A baby carefully observed and fed when it makes the first nuzzling sounds and does that thing with their lips and tongue that is an obvious communication about hunger, is satisfied with just being fed. A baby that has been screaming for an hour cannot be so simply satisfied, and even after having eventually been fed, usually still cannot settle properly and might well end up having all kinds of health and behaviour problems as a result.
It's therefore not just the spiritually correct thing to do to give attention (or love, or energy, if you will) when someone or something sincerely asks for it, but it's very much in your own best interest - if you want to avoid even greater suffering, that is.
And this holds for attention seeking behaviour by machinery (by the way of strange clunking noises that precede a breakdown), your bank account, animals, children, husbands and friends as well as for your body, your body mind, all your parts and manifestations, as well as your entire unconscious realm.
To sum up this section, here's briefly what I suggest you consider:
1. To accept attention seeking behaviour by any part of you as a plea of help to deal with a deep and often desperate need, and not some kind of a weird power game or an annoying past time just sent to upset you;
2. To resolve these issues by endeavouring to address the need and to fulfil it, rather than to try and convince the part, person, organ or machine in questions that it shouldn't have these needs, or that it should somehow learn to go without;
3. To decide to learn more about the processes involved, and to become more attuned to the needs of your internal community;
4. And finally, to resolve to learn to pay attention to the unfolding process at the earliest possible stage, thus avoiding the need driven behaviour to escalate and become a real problem to you.
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