EFT and COPING WITH THE DEPARTURE OF LOVED ONES

I am very grateful to all those who have attended and taught me by sharing their emotions, experiences and insights through the various stages of coping with this extremely painful and often totally overwhelming event.

EMOTIONS FREQUENTLY EXPERIENCED

Before discussing these emotions, I would like to clearly state that I respect the depth and strength with which they can flood our being. Thus, when I point out other ways of looking at what is happening, it is not because I do not recognize the power or validity of these emotions.

The fact is, however, we cannot change what has happened and need to get on with our lives. Also our evolutionary process demands that we begin to perceive ourselves, life and death in ways more aligned with the truth of our immortal nature. We need to transcend the limits created by our exclusive identification with our bodies and minds.

We need to recognize, accept, admit and express all the below-mentioned emotions. We would do well to seek help in doing so. Then, we need to move on to the next step, which is to employ EFT on all of them, until we again find our happiness, gratitude and love for life.

Some may feel that they will be betraying their loved ones if they do not feel their pain and may prefer not to be free. This is obviously a personal choice which each must make. My personal perception is that we do not help our loved ones with these emotions and that they would prefer that we be well and continue our lives as happily and creatively as we can.

(For more details about each of the emotions and alternative ways of perceiving, please refer to the Psychology of Happiness.)

Employing EFT on emotions we have concerning the loss of our loved one.

Have in mind that as you work, you may need to divert to various aspects which may appear. If we have lost other loved ones especially in childhood and have not worked through those feelings, then they might come up to be worked on.
If you feel pain and the need to cry, allow the tears to flow and then continue with the EFT, until you bring your SUD to zero.

Also do not be limited by the alternative set up phrase give in part A of the set up. Finish with any phrase, which you find suitable.

It is okay to be happy.


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Note: We use two phrases when doing the set up.

A. We rub on the sore spot on one side (or tap the side of the hand) repeating phrase "A" three times.

B. Then we repeat phrase "B" three times while rubbing the on the sore spot on the other side (or tapping on the side of the other hand).

C. Then, we repeat the "C" reminder phrase while tapping on the 12 points.

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1. The pain of losing a loved one is similar to losing a part of our body. It hurts. We feel a part of our own selves is missing. It is simply inconceivable to us that our loved one simply does not exist anymore - as a body. We expect at any moment to hear or see him or her again.

A. Even though I hurt (feel sorrow, pain) without (name of person)____ , I deeply and profoundly love myself.
or
Even though until now I have felt hurt ( sorrow, pain) without (name of person)____ , I now experience the fullness of my being and my purpose in life.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this hurt ( sorrow, pain) without (name of person)____ .

C. Reminder Phrase = Hurt ( sorrow, pain) without (name of person)____ .

2. We can fear that we will not be able to continue living without the person whom we?ve lost. This applies especially to widows who have been programmed to believe they are weak and need a husband in order to be safe, secure or socially accepted. It also applies to all situations in which we feel that we need that other person emotionally, physically, socially, mentally, economically or in any other way.

A. Even though I fear that I will not be able to continue without (name of person)____ , I deeply and profoundly love myself.
(Here it will be more effective to be more specific about what we feel we will not be able to continue with, such socially, economically, or bringing up the children, or simply - emotionally.)
or
Even though until now I have feared that I would not be able to continue without (name of person) ____, I now feel confident and fully capable to dealing with whatever life brings me.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this fear that I will not be able to continue without (name of person)____ .

C. Reminder Phrase = Fear that I will not be able to continue without (name of person)____ .

3. We might feel injustice and bitterness that "Life" or God took our loved one. This is more intense when the departed one was young, a child or a spouse in the prime of life.

A. Even though I feel injustice (bitterness) that (name of person) ____ has left his/her body (died), I deeply and profoundly love myself.
or
Even though until now I have felt injustice (bitterness) that (name of person) ____ has left his/her body (died), I now accept that there is (might be) a higher justice and wisdom as to why this has happened.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this feeling of injustice (bitterness) that (name of person) ____ has left his/her body (died).

C. Reminder Phrase = Injustice (bitterness) that (name of person) ____ has left his/her body (died)

4. We might experience depression and disillusionment that life has no meaning without our loved one. This again is especially true when we have lost a child or spouse who was the "purpose of our lives", who was our main occupation.

A. Even though I feel depressed (disillusionment) and feel that life has no meaning (happiness) without (name of person) ____ , I deeply and profoundly love myself.
or
Even though until now I felt depressed and that life had no meaning (happiness) without (name of person) ____ , I now experience the fullness of my being and am connecting with my life purpose.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from feeling depressed and that life has no meaning (happiness) without (name of person) ____.

C. Reminder Phrase = Feeling depressed and that life has no meaning (happiness) without (name of person) ____ .

5. We might feel Guilty that we did not sufficiently express our love to that person. We might think, "I did not show him enough love. I scolded him too much. I complained too much. I was negative and unpleasant. I never told him how much I loved, respected and appreciated him. I was unpleasant and nagging."

A. Even though I feel guilty that I did not express my love adequately to (name of person) ____, I deeply and profoundly love myself.
or
Even though until now I felt guilty that I did not express my love adequately to (name of person) ____ , I now mentally communicate my love to him/her now and experience his/her forgiveness and our mutual love.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from feeling guilty that I did not express my love adequately to (name of person) ____.

C. Reminder Phrase = Feeling guilty that I did not express my love adequately to (name of person) ____.

6. We might feel guilty thinking we could have done more to keep him or her alive. We might think, "I should have taken him to another doctor, to another hospital. If only we had done this other operation. If only I had been there when he died, I could have prevented it. It is all my fault. I am to blame for his death."

A. Even though I feel guilty that maybe I did not do what I could to keep (name of person) ____ alive, I deeply and profoundly love myself.
or
Even though until now I felt guilty that maybe I did not do what I could to keep (name of person) ____ alive, I now realize I did whatever I could with the information that I had (that one?s life and death are controlled from a higher level).

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from feeling guilty that maybe I did not do what I could to keep (name of person) ____ alive.

C. Reminder Phrase = Guilt that maybe I did not do what I could to keep (name of person) ____ alive.

7. Some of us might experience sorrow, disappointment, disillusionment and bitterness that we do not have the emotional support we expected from friends and relatives.

A. Even though I feel sorrow (disappointment, disillusionment, bitterness) because I am not getting the support I expected from others, I deeply and profoundly love myself.
or
Even though until now I felt sorrow (disappointment, disillusionment, bitterness) because I am not getting the support I expected from others, I now understand that they are giving whatever they can.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from feeling sorrow (disappointment, disillusionment, bitterness) because I am not getting the support I expected from others.

C. Reminder Phrase = Feeling sorrow (disappointment, disillusionment, bitterness) because I am not getting the support I expected from others.

8. We may feel loneliness. We may think, "It is difficult to connect with other people. They are not open, not friendly. I have no one to talk to, to share with, to be myself with."

A. Even though I feel lonely without ______ , I deeply and profoundly love myself.
or
Even though until now I felt lonely without ______ , I am now opening up to my relationship with myself, others and God.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from feeling lonely without ______.

C. Reminder Phrase = Lonely without ______.

9. We could likely feel jealous that others still have their loved ones and we do not.

A. Even though I feel jealous of those who still have their loved ones, I deeply and profoundly love myself.
or
Even though until now I felt jealous of those who still have their loved ones, I am now happy for them and wish them well.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from feeling jealous of those who still have their loved ones

C. Reminder Phrase = Jealous of those who still have their loved ones

10. It would be natural to feel anger toward those who were in some way connected with or "responsible for" our loved one?s death. Perhaps a doctor made a mistake, or someone was driving recklessly, and now our loved one is dead.

A. Even though I feel anger towards those who are "responsible" for (name)?s death, I deeply and profoundly love myself.
or
Even though until now I felt anger towards those who are "responsible" for (name)?s death, I now trust that powers higher than they control life and death.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from feeling anger towards those who are "responsible" for (name)?s death.

C. Reminder Phrase = Anger towards those who are "responsible" for (name)?s death.

11. We might also feel anger toward or rejection from our loved one who "chose" to leave the earth plane at this time, leaving us here alone. We may interpret this as a form of rejection, abandonment and lack of love.

A. Even though I feel anger towards (name) _____ for leaving me here, I deeply and profoundly love myself.
or
Even though until now felt I anger towards (name) _____ for leaving me here, I now trust that powers higher than he/she control life and death.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from feeling anger towards (name) _____ for leaving me here.

C. Reminder Phrase = Anger towards (name) _____ for leaving me here.

12. We may also feel guilt (shame) if we do not feel pain. That we must feel unhappy and of course never express joy in front of others for some time at least.

A. Even though I feel guilt (shame) that I am not as unhappy as I think I "should" be, I deeply and profoundly love myself.
or
Even though until now I felt guilt (shame) that I am not as unhappy as I think I "should" be, I now realize that such feelings help no one.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from feeling guilt - shame that I am not as unhappy as I think I "should" be.

C. Reminder Phrase = Guilt - shame that I am not as unhappy as I think I "should" be.

There may be many other emotions that are not listed here.

NEGATIVE THOUGHT FORMS
ABOUT THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE

The following beliefs can add to our emotional disturbance and some can also act in a way to create forms of psychological reversal. If you find that any of these beliefs are working within you, you might want to employ EFT on them, or even better, on the emotions, which they create.

1. I cannot live without him / her.
2. I am not secure without him / her.
3. No one else but he or she can give me joy or security.
4. My life has no meaning without him / her.
5. I want to die; I want to be with him / her.
6. Death is a bad, painful experience.
7. I don?t have the right to be happy since my loved one has died.
8. I will betray my loved one if I allow myself to be happy.
9. I will betray my loved one if I love someone else as much as I loved him / her.
10. I will betray my loved one if I find a different purpose and meaning in my life.
11. I have been treated unjustly.
12. I am unlucky.
13. I am the most miserable person I know.
14. The other?s death is a punishment for him or me.
15. I am a sinner; otherwise God would not have punished me in this manner.
16. God does not love me since He allowed my loved one to die.
17. There is no God; otherwise He would not have allowed my loved one to die.
18. It is my fault he died. I could have done something more.
19. I did not have the chance to correct my relationship with him or her. I feel guilty. I was not entirely correct.
20. He / she deserted me. He / she left me alone.

POSITIVE THOUGHT FORMS

There are some beliefs or thought forms, which can be very supportive in our effort to cope with the death of a loved one. If you find any of these helpful, write them down with large letters and place them where you can see them often. Feel free to alter them to apply more appropriately to your own specific needs.

They may also be used as positive affirmations in your EFT sequences.

1. I am an eternal soul and have the power to live an abundant and meaningful life. All is within me.

2. My loved one is an eternal, immortal soul who continues to live in another dimension more beautiful than the one in which I currently exist.

3. Since my loved one is very well and far closer to his or her true nature and to God, I can be glad for him / her and can give joy to myself and to those around me.

4. God is within and around me, so I always feel secure, protected and tranquil.

5. Everything happens according to a perfect and just Divine Plan that gives to each of us what he or she needs for his or her evolution as a soul. For some reason, it was best for my loved one to move on to another level of existence. As for my own evolution toward God, it is best that I continue on here, even without him or her.

6. Everyone on this earth has lost loved ones (not only me). Also, we will all eventually lose all the people we know because we are only temporarily on this earth and our departure is perfectly natural.

7. The departure of the soul from the restrictions of the temporary physical body is a beautiful liberation from a very limited incarnated state.

8. The loss of my loved one is a great opportunity for spiritual development through the cultivation of inner power, tranquility, security and self-acceptance.

9. I accept the perfection of the Divine Plan, and I forgive God and everyone for what is happening to me. I release all from any responsibility for my reality.

10. My loved one would want me to be happy and to continue my life creatively and beautifully.

11. I am acceptable, lovable and interesting because of what I am not because of my relationship with someone.

12. The loss of a loved one is not related to punishment, but is instead a great opportunity for spiritual development and inner growth.

13. I am a pure child of God and He loves me unconditionally.

14. No one can be responsible for someone else?s death. Each person has selected the hour and the place when he or she will leave. Others are simply the instruments we use for our departure.

15. I can, even now, correct my relationship with my loved one with inner concentration and prayer.

16. We are all evolving souls, all children of God. I open myself to my brothers in the family of humanity who are now with me on this planet. My loved one would want me to do so.

17. I share with others my sorrow and joy. We are one big family of humanity.

18. I find meaning in life by serving, creating and evolving. This is why I have come on this Earth.

19. Life is a gift of God, and it is my duty to use it for my benefit and that of others.

20. Today, 40,000 parents have lost their children. Tomorrow, another 40.000 parents will lose their children. I am not alone in pain. The soul?s departure from the physical body is a natural part of life on earth.

21. There is only one universal life force, which expresses itself through all beings. The same consciousness that expressed itself through my loved one is now expressing itself through everyone around me. Loving and offering to others, I love and offer to him / her.

OTHER STEPS WE CAN TAKE

1. We can study the spiritual truths related to the following topics:
a. What is a human being?
b. What is the relationship between the soul and the body?
c. Why does a soul take on a body?
d. What happens when the soul leaves the body?
e. What is the relationship between man, nature and God?

2. We can express our feelings openly to those who can respect and understand them, even if that means finding a "professional listener" (A priest, minister, psychologist, spiritual teacher or a good friend).

3. We can pray for our loved ones? development and growth as souls on the dimensions where they are now residing. We can light a candle for them as frequently as we feel the need, sending them energy and love. We do not need to go to the grave. Our loved ones are not there. During the first days, they are most likely wherever we are. They are not attracted to the discarded body, but to those they love. We can ask others to pray for them also. This is important for the first forty days and then less so for another year.

4. We can gradually free ourselves from excessive concentration on those who have left this plane and pay more attention to those who are here with us. It might be best eventually to remove belongings that remind us of him or her. We can give them to charity or to those who need them or would appreciate them. Their presence around the home will obstruct our gradual detachment and the ability to move forward with our lives (which is what our loved ones would want).

5. We can occupy ourselves with meaningful activities four of which are: a. Service b. Creativity c. Evolution - Self-knowledge d. Conscious Love Relationships

6. We need to be patient with ourselves and those around us.

7. We can cultivate faith in God and in ourselves.

8. We can join a group of people dedicated to the process of growth where we can mutually support each other in this process.

Books by the same author which deal with this subject are:
a) The Psychology of Happiness
b) "The Mystical Circle of Life"
c) "Universal Philosophy"
d) " Miracles of Love and Wisdom"


For more articles on EFT.

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From the forthcoming book by Robert Elias Najemy EFT for Self-knowledge and Total Freedom.

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Robert Elias Najemy is the author of over 600 articles, 400 lecture cassettes on Human Harmony and 20 books, which have sold over 100,000 copies.
He is the Founder and director of the Center for Harmonious Living in Greece with 3700 members.
His book The Psychology of Happiness is available at http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0971011605/holisticharmo-20 and http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/psychofhappiness.html.
You can download FREE articles and e-books from http://www.HolisticHarmony.com where you can also receive guidance on life issues.
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Added Jun 17, 2002 |  9,211 Reads