EFT and Self-Esteem

EFT and Self-Esteem

From the book FREE TO BE HAPPY with Energy Psychology by Robert Elias Najemy
(Also titled Remove Pain with Energy Psychology)

The goal of improved self-esteem or feelings of self-worth is a process that requires a more methodical and dedicated process than overcoming most phobias.

As with other goals, this must be approached by dealing with its obstacles. A list of possible obstacles is listed below to assist you. Use this list to aid you, but not to limit you. You may have different obstacles, from those mentioned on this list.

The first step is to determine our main obstacles towards accepting and loving ourselves just as we are. We need to root out any feelings obstructing us from feeling that we deserve a good, healthy and happy life with wonderful relationships, economic well-being and professional satisfaction.

In which situations do you lose your sense of self-love, self-worth, self-esteem or self-acceptance?

A. Social programming - illusion

We have been falsely programmed by society to believe that our self-worth is dependent on many external factors. Thus we tend to doubt our self-worth and loose our self-esteem in some of the following situations. Seek to determine in each case which emotions are created within you in each situation. We will then employ EFT for those emotions. I would suggest that you start with the most intense aspect you are encountering at this time of your life.

1. When others criticize or reject you.
(Belief: I am worthy and will be loved only when others accept and love me.)

2. When others are more able than you at certain tasks or more endowed with certain qualities. (i.e. Intelligence, wealth, home, appearance, artistic ability, speech, sports, cooking, professional success, their children?s success, being attractive to the opposite sex, making friends, disciplines, "spiritual" activities.) (Belief: I am worthy and will be loved only if I am better than others are concerning _______).

When you have made a mistake.
(Belief: I am worthy and will be loved only when I do not make mistakes)

When you do not have the results you believe you should have had after some effort.
(Belief: I am worthy and will be loved only when I succeed / when others recognize my success)

When others attract more attention, esteem and respect in a group situation.
(Belief: I am worthy and will be loved only when I am more important than others to others are)

When you do not have someone who loves you exclusively, in ways that he or she does not love anyone else.
(Belief: I am worthy only when I have someone who loves me exclusively)

7. When you are not perfect. (Perfect house, perfect appearance, never make mistakes)

8. When you do not get many things done in one day.
(Belief: I am worthy and will be loved only when I do and accomplish many things)

When you are not "strong" or when you show "weakness."
(Belief: I am worthy and will be loved only when I am strong and show no weakness)

10. When others:
a. Do not agree or
Are not satisfied with you (especially parents or spouse).
(Belief: I am worthy and will be loved only when others agree with me and are satisfied with me.)

When others ask you for help and you do not say "yes". Or do not respond.
(Belief: I am worthy and will be loved only when I say yes and will lose their love if I say no)

When others have offered more to you than you have offered to them.
(Belief: He who gives is worthier than he who receives is)

When people do not trust you or confide in you.
(Belief: I am worthy and pure only if others trust me)

When people lie to you or use you or laugh at you.
(Belief: I am worthy and will be loved only if I am respected and I lose my self-worth when others do not behave properly towards me.)

When others are able to manipulate you or are not as conscientious as you are.
(Belief: I lose my self-worth when I work more than others or when I work for them, without receiving back what I should.)

16. Because you are born female in a culture which gives more importance to males.

17. Because your parents did not want a child and you felt that you were a burden to them.

Other _______________________________

B. Matter of conscience

***18. When you have "created" pain for others.
(Belief: I am evil if others have experienced pain as a result of my actions.)

***19. When you are not in harmony with your conscience.
(Belief: I am not a good person and not worthy of love when I do anything which is not in harmony with my conscience.)

*** Other _______________________________

*** These require a different process -

Note: Forgiving and loving ourselves does not mean that we allow ourselves to do whatever we want regardless of whether it is unjust or unethical. We need to recognize our inherent spiritual nature, but at the same time seek to align ourselves with our highest values and ethics.
This should be done steadfastly but also with as much love and understanding towards ourselves as possible.

Employing EFT

Having determined our impediments towards feeling self-esteem in certain situations, we can then choose the first obstacle we want to work with. It is best to work with the one, which is most intense and bothersome.

It is very likely that, as we work on bringing down the disturbance associated with each obstacle, other aspects will surface, especially childhood traumas or experiences, which have been programmed in us.

Naturally we will flow with and work on these aspects, but we must always have in mind "pending matters" and go back to them once we have "collapsed" or removed the aspects that have come up.

We start by focusing on the emotion or belief preventing us from recognizing, and experiencing our inherent self-worth as an equal aspect of creation. We then measure the SUD and move on to the set up.

The Set Up

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Note: We use two phrases when doing the set up.
Feel free to adapt these phrases to suit your personal needs.

We rub on the sore spot on one side (or tap the side of the hand) repeating phrase "A" three times.

Then we repeat phrase "B" three times while rubbing on the sore spot on the other side (or tapping on the side of the other hand).

Then we repeat the "C" reminder phrase while tapping on the 12 points.

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In the case of false social programming or false conclusions from childhood or traumatic experiences, we can use these affirmations.

A.1. Even though I feel (the emotion) _______ (perhaps guilt, shame, self-rejection, self-doubt, unworthiness, belittlement,) when/ because _____ (reason), I deeply and profoundly love myself.

A.2. Even though until now I have felt (the emotion) _______ (perhaps guilt, shame, self-rejection, self-doubt, unworthiness, belittlement,) when/ because _____ (reason), I now realize that, as an expression of the divine, my being itself is my self-worth and is independent of external factors.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this (emotion) ______.

1. Reminder Phrase = (The emotion) ______ when / because _____ (reason)

Matters of Conscience

In the case of matters of conscience we will first want to employ the upper affirmations in order to accept and love ourselves as souls in an evolutionary process exactly as we are, even with our mistakes and egoism.

Then, however, we will also want to discover the emotions, needs and beliefs that caused us to behave in ways which we would prefer not to and would not like other to do to us.

Once we discover the fears or pain causing us to act in these undesirable ways, we can employ EFT on them to remove them and, thus, become free from the causes of our possibly unethical or unconscious behavior.

Here we use the same process to remove the feelings, which cause us to act in ego-centered ways.

A.1. Even though I feel (the emotion) _______ (perhaps fear, anger, guilt, pain, injustice, shame, self-rejection, self-doubt, unworthiness, belittlement,) when/ because _____ (reason), I deeply and profoundly love myself.

A.2. Even though until now I have felt (the emotion) _______ (perhaps fear, anger, guilt, pain, injustice, shame, self-rejection, self-doubt, unworthiness, belittlement,) when/ because _____ (reason), I am now free to behave with love and truth.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this (emotion) ______.

C. Reminder Phrase = (The emotion) ______ when / because _____ (reason)

One By One

As we remove these obstacles towards self-esteem, one by one, we begin to gradually notice that we are not as vulnerable as before. We accept ourselves more. We do not feel hurt and do not misinterpret others so easily. We speak more honestly, expressing our needs and feelings. We love more easily and steadily. We are more comfortable with ourselves and others.

I usually like to challenge people when they tell me that they do not feel the negative emotion any more, by asking them why. I want to see how much this new perception has become integrated into their belief system. There answers usually show a clear change in perception. In a few people, this may register later on.

It is very likely that, in some cases, we will need to work on childhood experiences.

In closing this chapter, I would like to encourage us all to work diligently on this so important aspect of our lives. Our relationship with ourselves is the basis of all other relationships ? with others, life and God. Only by loving ourselves can we really love others and create happiness.

I would suggest three rounds a day for this so important issue, moving from one obstacle to the other as they are collapsed and others appear.

Below you will find some useful affirmations concerning self-worth


Positive Thought Forms - Beliefs Concerning Self-Worth

The following affirmations will be useful for reestablishing contact with our true ?and always-worthy-of-love-and-respect divine nature. You may find some useful phrases here to incorporate into your EFT or other affirmation work.

1. I am worthy of love and respect regardless of others? opinions or behavior.

2. My self-worth is totally independent of how I or others compare myself to others.

3. My self-worth is totally independent of any external factors such as: intelligence, wealth, appearance, talents, professional success, my children?s success, my home, being attractive to the opposite sex, making friends, disciplines, "spiritual" activities.

4. I am worthy of love and respect regardless of the results of my efforts.

5. I am worthy and lovable even when others are given more attention than I am. I am happy for others when they receive love and attention.

6. My self-worth is within me and totally independent of whether I am loved exclusively by someone or not.

7. I am worthy of love and respect even when I am not perfect in what I do and even when I make mistakes.

8. My self-worth is totally independent of how much I accomplish.

9. I am worthy of love and respect even when I feel weak or needy.

10. My self-worth is totally independent of whether others agree with me or are satisfied with me.

11. I deserve love and respect even when I need to say "no" and do not respond to what I am asked to do.

12. My self-worth has nothing to do with how much I give or receive.

13. My self-worth is totally independent of other people?s ability to trust me or open up to me.

14. My self-worth is totally independent of how people behave towards me.

15. My self-worth is totally independent of how much others work, how they work, or what they believe about me.

16. My self-worth is a reflection of my divine nature and not my gender, religion, social class, etc.

17. My self-worth is totally independent of whether others recognize it or how they feel towards me.

18. I accept and love myself as I am with my faults and weaknesses as I steadily evolve.

19. I deserve to be loved and respected exactly as I am at this stage of my evolutionary process.

20. I am beautiful exactly as I am - as are all aspects of nature.

21. I am a good person, a worthy person.

22. I am worthy of love and respect regardless of how others behave towards me.

23. I respect and love all persons (especially my parents and family) without feeling any need whatsoever to live my life according to their beliefs or values. I live my life in harmony with my inner values and beliefs.

24. My self-worth is based on my inner being, my existence itself, and my inner divine nature and not on other external factors.

25. My self-worth is a simple function of the fact that I and all other creatures are unique aspects of divine creation. My self-worth cannot be increased nor decreased. I can never be more or less worthy of love and respect than another.

26. Although I am not perfect and have various faults, I deserve to be loved and respected as I am, just as I love and respect others with their faults.

27. When I do not love myself, I do not love an aspect of divine creation.

28. I often accept in others traits that I reject in my self. Why?

29. I am in a process of evolution and am attending to that process.

30. I am an expression of Divine Consciousness in matter.

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Robert Elias Najemy, a life coach for 30 years, has extensive experience in Energy Psychology. He has trained over 300 Life coaches and now does so over the Internet. Info at: http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/introholisticcoach.asp
He is the author of over 20 books, 600 articles and 400 lecture cassettes on Human Harmony. Download FREE 100's of articles, find wonderful ebooks, guidance and teleclasses at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com.
His books The Psychology of Happiness and Remove Pain with Energy Psychology are available at http://www.amazon.com
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