The Ghosts of Boyfriends Past

With me it is in dreams or sometimes a particular memory or deja vue experience.

I have imagined meetings and conversations with previous boyfriends.

With one recently it was like a complete catch up after nearly thirty years. It left me partly longing for those easier days with less responsibility, partly a feeling of “what if” and a bit of where is he now? This is someone whom at the time I thought that I would marry and always be with. I now know that as we grow and change there are many possible partners to learn from and grow with. I have had valuable learning experiences and wonderful times with the different men in my life and am grateful to each of them. It makes me sound like a “serial dater” if there is such a thing. But I am talking of my first puppy love, my first deeper relationship, my husband of sixteen years and the partner I was with for a couple of years, four years after getting divorced. Hardly the Imelda Marcos of the dating world!

However as we know we attract people into our lives, often as our mirrors, sometimes to help them, sometimes to enrich our experience of this life. As I have become spiritually awake and aware and have moved forward on my spiritual path I have attracted different relationships for different reasons.   

But even when you know this, why is it that every so often your mind resurrects thoughts of previous relationships and replays moments, almost to torture you? Scenarios of events, feelings of loss, regret, did I do the right thing, what if and why? Also happy flashbacks that make you think well he wasn’t so bad, was it me, could it have worked? You know that the relationship had run its course (or you think you do!), so what is this almost self-destructive behaviour and what triggers it?

Ok so when do these memories surface? In bed at night, out walking - in moments of aloneness. Is it then to do with being lonely and any relationship is better than being alone, even the ones that you knew at the time weren’t working. Is it self-doubt, doubting your judgement and feeling insecure about something in your present life. Is there a sense of loss and you haven’t grieved properly for what was and is no more. Is there a pattern of repeating the same type of relationship with similar people? Are you always searching for Mr Right or Mr Perfect or does no one match up to the one man in your life who made you feel special, maybe your father? Or do you end up with someone like your father and when you realise this it all goes wrong?

Whatever the reasons why does it happen and what can we do?

Well first it helps to understand that it is natural to have memories and to think of the past now and then with nostalgia.
However if you become upset, are dwelling too often on past relationships with too many regrets or unresolved feelings and not living in the here and now, then this needs some attention.

Help with EMO

Whenever these memories or feelings surface do a quick body scan. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths in and out. Do you feel any tightening, congestion, tension or emotional feelings in your body?

Focus your attention on the place where you feel the strongest sensation. Place your hands there if you can reach. Tell yourself that it is OK to release these feelings at last, to let go and move on. Then say to yourself:

“I intend for this area in my body to relax and release, I allow this sensation to become so soft that it can just flow out of my body”. Then breathe deeply and let the feeling in your body flow wherever it wants to but out of your body. Rub the area to help and keep breathing. When it has all gone, think of the memory that triggered this response and see if it is the same, if there is still a feeling in your body, repeat the relax and release, soften and flow process until it has gone again.

“As memories come back to haunt you,
with feelings of pain or regret,
simply focus within your body
relax and release to reset”

What if I don’t feel anything and can’t do this?

Close your eyes and breathe deeply, go back into the memory, imagine the person you were with in front of you. What do you feel in your body now? Then relax and release any tightening and tension. Allow it to soften and flow out of your body until you can breathe deeply without any tension in your body.

If you find EMO (the soften and flow technique) is not an easy technique for you then try EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique).

Help with EFT

You can tap on yourself for the memory or the feeling the memory invokes in you or you can imagine tapping on yourself as you were when the memory or event was formed. This tapping at source is very simple and can be very powerful, especially if you don’t feel a great deal in the present but know that you have the energy of that experience haunting you.

To tap on yourself for a boyfriend (or girlfriend) ghost try this:

Tap on the Karate Chop point (outside edge of the hand, use all fingers) and say:

“Even though this memory keeps coming back to haunt me I completely love and accept myself. Even though I can’t forget and move on I completely love and accept myself. Even though I keep replaying this scenario I completely love and accept myself. Even though I have some regrets about this relationship I completely love and accept myself. Even though I have some doubts about the decisions I made at the time I love and accept myself. Even though I keep thinking “what if” I completely love and accept myself.

Then tap around the crown of the head and say:

“I know that I did what I thought (or he/she did what he/she thought) was right at the time and the relationship had to end. I know that we had some good times together but people change and life moves on. I know that our circumstances were different then and we were different then.”

Tap on the inside corner of the eyebrow (either eye) with one or two fingers and say:

“I really want to stop replaying this scenario in my head and move on. I really want to let these feelings of pain and regret go”

Tap on the outside edge of the eye, below the eye on the bone, with one or two fingers and say:

“I am really fed up of thinking ‘what if’ all the time, it is in the past now and I want to move on”

Tap underneath the eye, on the bone under the centre of the eye with one or two fingers and say:

“I don’t want these thoughts crowding in all the time when I am on my own, I want to let them go”

Tap under the nose with one or two fingers and say:

“Even though doubts keep creeping in and I am not always sure that I said or did the right thing, I know that I did what I thought was right at the time”

Tap on the chin with one or two fingers and say:

Even though I am being haunted by memories of boyfriends (girlfriends) past, it is Ok to let the memories come and go.

Tap just below your collar bone on your upper chest with all four fingers and say:

“Even though I keep feeling sorry for myself and imagining myself back in the relationship I want to let go and move on”

Tap under your arm (either one) about a hand width below the armpit and say:

“Even though I want to go with the flow of life now and move on I keep being haunted by the past”

Tap on the Karate Chop, outside edge of the hand with all fingers and say:

“Even though I want to move on and need to move on I keep thinking about the past and it is so annoying!

I know that to move on and have a wonderful relationship in the future I need to let go of the past. I need to learn and grow, not dwell and replay that which cannot be changed. I know that my relationships are mirrors and that they were right at the time but the relationship that is right for me now is different.

I welcome the right relationship for me now (this could be the one you are in moving forward or to attract a wonderful new one once you have cleared your attachment to your past relationships).

I finally release all attachment to my past relationships and welcome the perfect relationship for me right here and now!

Tap another round or two if you feel that you need it, add in any of your own thoughts and feelings as you tap and the emotions start to flow, I am sure that there are all sorts of things to tap on here!. Whenever the memories resurface in a self-destructive way tap again on what you are feeling to release and move on.

Telephone if this has struck a chord with you and you would like some help, otherwise.

Good luck with your Ghosts!