He explained that "love is not trustworthy. He felt like he was holding a "fundamental, and much protected hurt" and felt it was connected to his feelings of depression and fears that his words hurt others. He wanted to be able to connect to love at a deeper level and at other times, besides just briefly, when he was in his car listening to classical music.
In his steady and matter of fact voice he recounted how his wife had asked, "Will you love yourself?" and he automatically replied, "Of course, not." I asked him why that was and he felt justified in his position because he explained that "Real life is complicated, difficult and painful." He said he used video games as a way to escape.
He used his hands to show me where the "fundamental hurt" was in his chest area. He described it like a "ceramic balloon" shielding the hurt. He said it felt invasive and was like an iceberg where you could only see the tip and the bulk of it was below water.
I sensed his disturbance in just talking about it. His fingers fidgeted as he held his hands on his lap in an otherwise relaxed but rigid sitting position. I asked if there was fear about beginning to tap on this hurt. He said there was a lot of fear around what was inside the shield and the feeling that it was too big to deal with.
We addressed the apprehension to tapping to release the hurt first, SUE -9. The apprehension was showing up as a tightening in his chest, sweaty hands and a stronger pulse. We tapping a couple of rounds on, "tightness in my chest"; "apprehension"; "sweaty hands"; "stronger pulse".
He said that it felt like opening this protective shield would let out uncontrolled negative energy. He recalled some uncontrolled reactions he had when he was in middle school (which we had done some previous tapping on) and he felt afraid he would have to live with this negative energy if it was released, and he would not be able to control what he said and did to others. We tapped, "Negative energy is uncontrollable and unexpected."
We talked about his impressions of what was inside this "ceramic shield" and how he wasn't able to see inside it, but he was imagining something very scary inside where the hurt was. We talked about how an animal can be very dangerous when it is wounded, but not because it really is under normal circumstances; it is the hurt that is keeping it in survival mode where it is ready to defend and attack anyone or anything that comes near it. He agreed that what the hurt really needed was help and love. We tapped on sending this hurt, "intentions of positive regard and desire to help".
Mark connected to what was inside the shield, an infant completely ignoring him, keeping to himself in a dark house made of fear and a world made of fear. The infant would not respond to his questions. Mark could sense that he was full of fear and confusion. That was all this infant had ever known and felt and would not consent to tapping. I wondered, "Perhaps the infant would like to feel other feelings besides fear and confusion?" The infant was interested but was afraid to feel anything else. However, he agreed to let us tap on this fear for him. We tapped for him, "afraid to feel anything else, fear of the unknown."
The infant was now feeling curious and that was a new feeling and it felt good. The infant was fine tapping on the "fear and confusion" now. We tapped for the infant, "fear and confusion."
Mark realized the infant was still inside his mother's womb. His mother's womb was the only "outside" world this infant knew. He had not known anything else, until Mark showed up. The infant communicated to Mark that everything around him was made of fear, he had been put in charge of it somehow, and so he thought fear was all there was.
I wondered if the infant knew what he, (his own essential nature) was made of? The infant did not know, but he could tell that he was not made of fear. This distinction helped the infant "play the game of tapping" to let go of the world of fear. We tapped, "world of fear."
Pretty soon pieces of fear started flaking off his world. The infant wondered where the fear was going, but since he knew it wasn't his fear, he was fine with it leaving. Soon the infant was helping to shovel out all the fear.
At this point, Mark recognized that he had been looking at everyone as if they were like his mother, fragile and in need of protecting, and so he had to exercise a lot of restraint and control so that what he expressed did not hurt them (upset them). Mark also recognized that it was not so much that his words had all this power to hurt others, which is scary thing to imagine if you are a very young child, but the perception that others were fragile and weak and would be easily hurt had also played into it.
The infant was now ready to go out of his shell, but there was fear of connecting with others. We tapped, "fear of connecting".
The infant grew in age before Mark's eyes and was now a child. Mark took the child's hand and the child was fine going outside. The child didn't see any difference outside since it was completely deserted. He said he was "ready to learn others." I did not understand what that meant exactly, but we tapped anyway, "ready to learn others".
The child felt comfortable being in relationship with Mark and being out of the shield, but worried about connecting with others. I instructed mark to assure him that he (Mark) would always be with him to support and help him. Here Mark saw himself and the child as the same, mirrors of each other.
Mark and I talked about how there is only one Mark, and how we are all just one is essence and mirroring each other. Mark said he felt a new feeling in his heart and felt "whole". We tapped a couple of rounds on this feeling of "Wholeness."
We tested with the question, "Will you love yourself?" Mark said that it was a possibility and definitely felt different. He was interested in seeing how this change would play out in his interactions with others. Mark could see that there would be no fear of keeping his hurt guarded anymore, because there was no more hurt there, and so the interaction would be free of the threat that this hurt would be released and he would say something hurtful to others.
The following time we met Mark reported, "I'm more content with myself". He said that his interactions had been "easier", though not with his wife. This is showing good progress and tell us where we can continue to tap.
Beyond Self-Esteem: Discovering Your Boundless Self-Worth by Eloisa Ramos